Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Your Horrorscope

Don't say you weren't warned...

ARIES: Whatever you don't want to wake up to won't go away. Your will alone isn't enough to end the nightmare that is lurking outside your door. Instead of ignoring all the signs that are telling you there is a heavy-breathing axe murderer in your kitchen, you might want to accept the fact that this was bound to happen, sooner or later. It may come down to realizing that what you want isn't what you need. What you NEED is a chainsaw to give you a fighting chance.

TAURUS: You'd be happier if you didn't have this interpersonal conflict to deal with all the time. I hate to be the one to clue you in, but fighting hungry zombies off is an addiction. You're strong enough to keep doing this and be fine, but something tells me it's a little messed up. No one is what they do. If you're not your zombie slaughtering, who are you? The effort you spend outwardly – cutting their throats out and the wholesale dismembering – needs to be balanced with more joy and relaxation. If the idea of time out scares you it's only because you aren't ready to find yourself. And that's OK too, I suppose. Keep working — see what it gets you.

GEMINI: This blur around you would be clearer if you would slow down and take time to look at what's going on. You've received a traumatic blow to the head. And that might be the only thing keeping you from admitting that it came from your child, who is really Satan's spawn. Admitting that things have gotten out of control would help you decide what you need to do to restore order. The fact is, the neighbor's missing pets are probably buried in your garden and it's high time you dug these issues up and started dealing with this. Being clearer with others is a big item – well, except when it comes to Satanic children. Trying to talk it out with them is usually a lost cause.

CANCER: Your astrological sign is the name of a horrible, if not horrifying, disease for a reason. Sorry to break the news. But compared to the Children Of The Corn-style death you were originally going get 8 years from now, consider this prognosis a blessing.

LEO: If you're feeling a little shaky, it's because you can't decide whether to stay or go. Other prospects look promising enough to pursue, but there are fears about whether they will lead to anything. Oh, and LOOK OUT, Virgo is standing behind you with a butcher knife!

VIRGO: That was totally hard core what you did to Leo. But honestly, you've been on the fence about the relationship for a long time. Remember that you need to be strong right now. People are bound to try to wheedle their way back into your good graces at a time when you're feeling vulnerable enough to allow it. When that happens, don't be afraid to take measures into your own hands. Even if that means knifing them from behind.

LIBRA: Now that you've made your decision you're wondering if it's what you want. Sure, it seemed like becoming a Vampire and joining the gothically glamorous ranks of the blood-sucking undead was a cool thing to do. But your big plans have suddenly collided with your bloodlessly cold feet. This isn't like you. What happened to the brave soul who isn't afraid to take risks? Oh, that's right. You sold your soul to become a fanged-tooth, human mosquito. Well, good luck with that.

SCORPIO: It isn't your job to be there for others if they can't take more responsibility for their actions. True, your three best friends are being tortured to death, SAW-style, in some psychopath's basement. But they can't say you didn't warn them. At this point a little hardball and the ability to say no will go a long way. Sure, you COULD call the cops and get them out of the mess they're in. But why spare them an invaluable lesson? The main issue seems to be that you feel obligated and guilty about things that were never your doing. As painful as it is to watch those close to you come unglued – or torn limb from limb while the others watch – people have their own lives. Trust that this is their lesson and pray that they learn it.

SAGITTARIUS: You've had enough signs telling you what to do. The visits from that nosy cop. The landlord's pesky questions about the stench coming from your apartment. Your biggest problem is that you can't act on what all of your senses are telling you is true. And that is that it's perfectly normal to store your victim's body parts in formaldeyhde and take them out to play with once in a while. What you think will come as a shock to people is in their best interest. Because, honestly, everybody should try this! Dealing with the aftermath is what's freaking you out. The disapproving looks of your peers. The prison sentence. But you can't keep this little charade up too much longer. Tell the truth and get it over with as soon as you can.

CAPRICORN: Aside from the regular hassles, you've got your life all wrapped up. Nothing's really bugging you except for the idea that there's got to be more than this. Being a mummy is just not as cool – or scary – as it used to be. There was a time when you and Frankenstein were the toast of Halloween. Kids literally shit their pants at the sight of you. And now... after the tasteless gore and totally over-the-top shock of the past thirty years of scare culture, you feel more like a relic. You can't keep doing whatever you're doing and expect kids to be scared by the underwhelming spectacle of some guy in bandages moaning and stumbling forward at a snail's pace. Keep looking for ways to expand your horizons. Try throwing some hatchets in the mix or, better yet, try eating a little flesh once in a while. Find your signature brand. Think of Jason's hockey mask, or Freddy's claws. You need a new niche and when you find it, you'll get back the confidence you've always known you deserved.

AQUARIUS: You are more than clear that you need to partner up, but before you can do that, your trust issues need to be fully addressed. Sure, you're motherfucking Frankenstein, but beneath that bulky exterior and a brute manner that many take for insensitivity, you've got a gentle side too. While the fact that the Bride of Frankenstein has been stepping out on you is bound to hurt, the truth is they might have more on the ball than you do. Getting to know them will require you to release feelings of superiority and to stop trying to crush their head every time you have an argument. If you can see that you're not above it all, it will open the space for both of you to discover how much you have in common (remember, the dating pool for classic horror icons is getting smaller all the time) and how much more you can accomplish as a team.

PISCES: No one needs to know what you're going through. If they pretend to care it doesn't mean that you have to tell them everything, not for a while anyway. Those midnight transformations might be better left as your little secret until you figure out what to do about it. Just keep the howling at the moon and the savage hunting of human game to a minimum unless you want the neighbors to get suspicious. Getting real about how much human flesh you need in your diet – not to mention the quality sleep time you've been losing – and overriding your concerns that others will be left high and dry if they learn about your little furry alter ego, will require you to forget about what anyone thinks.